Blessed Mum

Imagine sitting down in a blissfully quiet house (nap time quiet) with a glass of Riesling, a laptop that your 14 year old is not (currently) using for video games since he is not yet home, and a baby monitor that is not lit up!

Despite all of that…

I am disappointed that my glass of wine is so quickly finished; I can only safely consume one since I am still breastfeeding.

I am disappointed that I just judged my mother for getting teary over the phone while describing a movie documenting a miraculous healing of a little girl thanks to God.

And then, something shifts. All of a sudden, I am not disappointed but instead grateful when I see how utterly stupid my disappointments are.

Yeah, having only one glass of Riesling is a bummer. I used to be able to down at least two before having to take a breather. Ya’ know what though? The reason I can only have one is because I am still a breastfeeding mama. Little Man turned one year old on Sunday and I am still going strong…despite breasts that are so much smaller than the initial, post-birth fullness. And really, I shouldn’t be a gluttonous baboon anyways. If I have two glasses I will, no doubt, say immature things and regret them later.

Judging my mother is pretty crummy. I can be disappointed in myself for a few more minutes on that point. I can also still be disappointed in myself for saying “Oh G_d” to myself because that is just plain disrespectful, especially because the thing she was describing involved a miraculous healing by God!

*Maybe one minute goes by, during which I open a can of ginger ale and pour it into said empty wine glass.*

*Okay, a few minutes now. I texted other mamas about Mickey Mouse ‘Thank You’ postcards, when the appropriate time to switch to one nap is, and my desire for our children to be older so we can sit around a kitchen table, drink wine, and kabitz.*

So at this point, I am no longer disappointed in myself for judging Mum. It was a momentary lapse in judgement. It is no shock that I am a sinner. I always have been, and each day is just a journey in striving to imitate a Man who is so beautifully perfect that He somehow forgives me for the ridiculous things that I do.

Perhaps it is in that vein of gratefulness that I can transition into the real topic of this utter rambling session.

The title of this might be Stupid Disappointments, but that is only because I added in the word ‘stupid’ after I reread my first two disappointments.

Real Topic – Gratefulness.

I am grateful that I was able to have such an absolutely beautiful son. Today before I put him down for his afternoon nap he was being so silly. I was holding him after nursing him and he was just laughing as I put my head up to his. He was cooing and giggling and touching my face in the most endearing ways.

I am grateful that I have been able to breastfeed him for so long. My initial goal was to make it to a year, and now that a year is here I am not sure how to stop…what a predicament to be in, right?

I am grateful to be a stay at home mom and spend so much time with him. Despite the crazy moments that entails, I am GRATEFUL!

So despite the sadness of an empty wine glass, and that word has a different connotation associated to it in this instance, it can be a moment of thoughtfulness. As a result of that thoughtfulness I am also grateful for yummy wine that I can consume in moderation, but maybe more so for the moment that it represents. A glass of wine means a moment of stillness. One doesn’t drink wine in quick bursts, at least not post-college, but in slow, deliberate sips. Some days don’t involve a lot of stillness, but today did.

Instead of folding laundry, I poured a glass of wine, read articles about breastfeeding and ovulation, and texted other mama friends. Instead of doing chores, I took the time that I haven’t taken IN MONTHS to sit down and write about things that matter to me.

Yes. The stillness of a glass of wine represents so much more than a drink. It represents a moment taken for myself, and according to many other authors, that is just what being a good mama requires.

Perhaps it is because of this still moment that I can try to understand why I judged my own mother in a moment where she herself let go of the rigid countenance that so many of us try to maintain throughout the day. She was calling to ask about the health of my pastor, and then that transitioned into her talking about this obviously memorable film she has seen. Instead of hear her tears as a sign of the film’s impact on her, I saw it as weakness. Is it called ‘projecting’ when we judge others for something that we ourselves are doing? Maybe that is why I judged Mum. How many times, just this week, have I seen myself as weak?

I was momentarily DISAPPOINTED in my day until I saw how silly my disappointments were, and instead of see the positive my brain switched to the negative.

Thank God I could catch myself in that moment of selfish judgement and transform it into a grateful heart. Now, as I search for the right words to express myself, I am on the verge of feeling teary. Ha. It is a good job that I got over my mistaken judgement earlier, or I could add being a hypocrite to the list too!

Maybe, just maybe, the ‘stupid disappointments’ are the best kind to have.

If I can see a ‘stupid disappointment’ then it is not so hard to turn it into a blessing to be grateful for, right?

Moral of the story: Drink a glass of wine, but just one. Call your mother and tell her you love her. Then sit down, take a few deep breaths, and tell yourself that you are worthy of love, forgiveness, and so much more.